Here lies Jessie; she died in a fit of patriotic agony.

Elections get me all worked up. It's some kind of combination of deep lurking patriotism and heartburn. The waving American flag graphics on the news, the thought of millions of families in their living rooms waiting to see what form the government will take--it's almost enough to make a girl well up with democratic pride. I think, too, it takes me back to a very particular era for my family. You know, when we liked each other. Election '92 I was 10. Only dimly aware of the electoral process. My parents, being news junkies, had kept me somewhat in the loop about the Arkansas cowboy who'd grabbed the nation by the balls--and the nation liked it. But I can't say I really cared about the outcome. I sensed that my parents cared, but I had no idea why. Then, on Tuesday--a school night--my dad drove me all the way out to my uncle's house, two hours away. My family used to get together a lot, but a mid-week party was unheard of. We were up late into the night, or what seemed late for a 10-year-old on a Tuesday, and when the news anchors called the victory for Clinton, my entire family broke into "Happy Days Are Here Again," and my grandmother started crying. I had no idea what was so important, but I knew that something serious had happened and that it made me feel like I wanted to be a part of it. I think that's part of how I still feel on election days. I know; it's cheesy. Sometimes that shit gets me. Despite appearances, I am a patriot.

And, I think, that's why this election in particular is so important to me. It's not just that the Democrats have a chance to take the House and the Senate; these are good things, but I can't convince myself that they will change the course of the next two years so dramatically. The Republicans are already moving away from Bush.

And it's not just that I've been burned in every election I've so far participated in. Though I have. This was my fourth time voting. Let's review. 2000: Bush steals the election. I stay up all night and fall asleep after crying. 2002: Bob Ehrlich wins the governorship in Maryland. I stay up all night and fall asleep after crying. 2004: Kerry comes close but falls short; almost all of my faith in the country falls apart; I stay up all night and upon hearing the official result in the morning, have a quick cry before work.

No, it's not just all of those things. Though for once it would be nice to vote for the guy who wins. (The only races in which this has happened are, to the best of my knowledge, uncontested Sentate seats and maybe the executor of wills.) No. I don't even care so much if the Democrats win because they're Democrats. I care because I need to believe that our nation has any threshhold of political indignation. My patriotism is on the line. If Michael Steele wins in Maryland... I just... I don't even know what will happen to my faith in the voting public. How can we stare down the barrel of en endless mideast quagmire, corporations running a congress which has its dick in every intern it can find, and a looming energy crisis the administration seems to want to ignore... how can WE NOT DEMAND CHANGE. Is so very much of the country so very wedded to the idea of gays not having abortions that they will not stand up for education, the future of the planet, and the 18-year-olds dying in the desert? It boggles the mind that anyone can watch the news and go to the polls and vote red. BOGGLES.

This is what happens to me every election night. I have palpitations.

The early returns are in, and the Democrats have picked up two Senate seats--Ohio and PA (go the eff home, Santorum!). But this is how it always happens. It looks very, very good, and then Dan Rather says, "wait, it seems Al Gore has NOT won Florida." So I'm not holding my breath just yet.

Everyone say a prayer for Maryland.
<3.